Biden Says Released GITMO Terrorists More Focused on Climate Change Than Jihad (Satire)
WASHINGTON – While speaking to seniors about shotgun ownership at the Eternal Cul-de-Sac retirement home in Bethesda this morning, Vice President Biden was interrupted several times with questions about President Obama releasing five Guantanamo detainees in exchange for American prisoner, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. Each time the vice president brought the conversation back to the advantages of owning a shotgun, another person would ask about the prisoner exchange. When it became evident his shotgun sales pitch was landing on deaf ears the vice president addressed his audience’s questions.
“Look folks,” Biden sighed, “I know ya’ll have seen the news about the heroic efforts of President Obama bringing our American soldier back home, but today I’m eager to talk about the safety and security that comes with having a loaded double-barrel under your bed.”
“Why did our president let those terrorists go?” cried an elderly woman from the back of the room.
“President Obama didn’t just let those fellas go, my Dear, he exchanged them for an American soldier who’d been held captive by the Taliban for five years.”
“So we send them five more Talibans for a soldier who deserted?”
Biden smiled at the woman who’d asked the question. “In regards to Sgt. Bergdahl, I’m sure some of you remember the old saying, war is hell. Do you remember that phrase, Hon?”
“Well, if you know war is hell, why’d ya just give the enemy five more hell raisers?”
“You’re a spunky one ain’t ya?” Biden smiled, winking at his audience. “Who among us can say how we’d react during wartime? Who are we to judge that young soldier?”
A man yelled from the back of the room, “I know how I’d react, I took a bullet in my leg in the Korean war!”
Biden stood up straight and pointed to the man.
“Sir, you are a patriot and I thank you for your service. I’m sure everyone here in the nursing home is grateful for your sacrifice and on behalf of the White House I want to …”
“This isn’t a nursing home, you idiot, it’s a retirement community,” the man shot back.
Biden adjusted his tie before leaning into the microphone.
“Look, I know some of you are uneasy with those folks being released from captivity. But I want you to know something that’s very important. Those five guys are more concerned right now about the devastating effects of climate change than they are about killing Americans.”
A woman stepped towards the podium. “What are you talking about, Mr. Vice President?”
“Sweetheart, the unspeakable horrors of climate change just don’t affect you and me. There’s a world out there beyond America. A world that is terrified Americans won’t spend the money necessary to curb the catastrophic consequences of man-made global warming. Terrorists might do some unpleasant things now and then, but heck, at the end of the day they’re people just like you and me. And I assure ya, global warming scares them as much as it does us.”